How do you comfort someone when they're hurting because of you? I need to remember my mistakes effect more people than just myself. I know I'm not perfect but why am I so far from it when those I'm hurting seem so close. This happens too often. I thought I was different, changed. I feel that I am. I know that I have. I'm trying not to hate myself-I've come so far. But I'm slipping away. I wish I could place you inside my mind, letting you see how I think, how I work. And I wish I could visit yours and rewire everything. I'd take all of the pain, all of the doubt, all of the sadness, and put it in me. Making myself feel the hurt I've made you feel. I'd give anything to take it away and replace it with the happiness I promised you. It's about time you get it. I've said a thousand times you don't deserve what I've done. But my words mean nothing. Even to me. I mean nothing to me. If I could have it any way.. and this kills me to say.. because I can't imagine the day when I didn't know you...-fuck-.. You're everything. You're beautiful. But what I'd do.. I would've never met you. Not because I'm hurting, but because you are. You'd never know me, which means you'd never know the pain that seems to be a part of me. You'd be always smiling. I'd give your innocence back to you. You're dad back to you. I'd give your mom everything and anything she needed. If I could, I'd disappear and make your world perfect. Because that's what you deserve. I know me doing this won't take your pain away, but maybe it will make some kind of difference. You can just not read them, or throw them away, or read them. I just know I'll never be able to let go of this knowing I held back. So I'm not going to. It's probably too late for you to ever forgive me and look past all the many things I've done. But just in case there is some hope, I'm going to put my pride aside and give you my everything. Don't feel obligated to take it or ever respond. I don't expect anything in return. 

Eleven more days and I'll be gone.