Death

Can one feel peace

While missing a piece?

Blankets of calm

Right even if wrong

Moon and stars bright

Reflecting the sun’s light

Winds blow gentleness

Comforting wholeness

The sounds of the dark

All thanks to noah’s arc

Breathing in tranquility

Embraced by serenity

Overwhelmed by beauty

Realizing our duty

Tears for the lost

Hold them at all cost

When one with the ground

Our souls will be found

In spirits of others

The sons and daughters

Smiles of eyes

Hearts through cries

Love from hands

Loyalty in bands

Lifted from the earth

Frankincense and mirth

Existing now as a cloud

In raindrops he’s found

Soaking the skin

Reuniting within

Not a tragedy

But the force of gravity

Nothing is missing

Especially if not living

He had to leave

To help me see

If one’s mind is open

Just for a moment

Death isn’t taking a piece

It’s wrapping one in peace.

FU

U took my dad

B fore his time

I will never ask

Y is unimportant

C, there is no rationale

N taking a life

A reason?

O, not one.

K, here’s my question

R you happy now

Painful Blame

I'm not looking back.

Who I am is my past.

You think my mother's a disease

So you're unable to see

I'm not her, I'm me.

When all was gone

It wasn't long

For you to choose

Who would now be bruised.

I'm not the source-yet get hit

With all your anger's force.

My eyes are his.

My humor is hers.

I'm part of them both,

But my actions are my own.

I promise I didn't know.

My mother ran the show.

But if I had-trust me

I'd still have my dad.

Please watch your words.

They cause deep hurt.

The fact that I'm older

Doesn't make me a soldier.

Inside I'm a helpless girl

Trapped in my past world.

Stop playing this game.

You're blame causes pain.

Three things you don't see:

I'm not yet free.

I don't choose to look back.

I'm simply stuck in the past. 

Fire

Out of reach

Color draining from my cheeks

As I'm washed with bleach

White from my head to my feet

I'm right you left

Come back

My eyes roll up

As you go down

You hear the touch

I feel the sound

The fire swept in

Flames now my friend

Water puts them out

I continue to melt

Hold to me on

Let never go

Ever for last

Down up

Forth back

Reach in 

Stay close

I need you

You have to touch 

Before you can teach

In reach

Color rushing to my cheeks

As I'm rushed with peaks

Red from my head to my feet

My Ceiling

My ceiling is suffocating me.
This past year was rough.
We had beautiful, lovely times.
Always followed by ugly, hurtful words.

I've been shut down and shut up
With every stab, my ceiling lowered
Millimeters at a time at first
And now it feels like it's moving by feet

People weren't created to have ceilings
So why is mine stunting my growth?
I want to stand tall, feel strong
The cement is cracking and soon will fall.

Well crash to the ground-me and my ceiling.
But the difference between me and my wall-
Cement will lay there, unmoving it will stay.
Me, I won't-I'll pray for strength to crawl.

Slowly moving through the debris, gasping for air.
For so long I've been unable to breathe
I'll stand, my wobbly knees won't give out as I
Carefully I take my first steps.

Looking back, but only once
What I see steals my breath.
Once so scary and strong
My ceiling- lonely, broken, still on the ground.

I see it was me letting it control me all along.

I look up to the sky
For the first time in years
And the rain washes the cement away
I'm free to grow tall as the trees.
I begin to dance my way through life.
Smiling.

XII.IV.X

The black in our eye

Is the hole in our heart.

A separate look in the mirror

Reveals a lifeless lust for death.

Together the image produced

Is one of a lively loving youth.

Our shamed pasts lead

Us into unstable phases.

We lied there, hoping for dead,

Yet both woke with numbed gazes.

Still, we are one

Haunted by a bottle and a gun.

Our childhood of ugly legality

Brought forth our current, beautiful reality.

We passed the past

Found completeness at last.

what was lost, was a gain-

The release of our lifelong pain. 

5 Years

5 years was supposed to wait.

but instead we gravitate. 

pulling me in,

refusing to release me. 

5 years and you're still gone.

Never returning, only haunting

the ones left behind

yearn for your embrace. 

5 years should have no hold.

yet it keeps me captive.

flooding me down

disables me from breathing.

5 years and you're still all I see

you were beautiful then,

even more so now. 

you shine through me.

5 years left me crippled. 

properly mis-functioning 

when you were taken

you took part of me. 

Cigarettes and Rain

Cigarettes and rain.

The night provided 

A blanket of clouds.

Your voice in my ear. 

A rush of cool air.

Your cologne,

My perfume.

It ended in your room.

I drew my breathe in.

We lay there, 

Same routine.

Then a change.

Your hands in my hair.

Our legs intertwined.

You pulled me close,

Whispering.

I felt your heart,

Falling into you.

I want you on me.

I want you all over me.

How do you comfort someone when they're hurting because of you? I need to remember my mistakes effect more people than just myself. I know I'm not perfect but why am I so far from it when those I'm hurting seem so close. This happens too often. I thought I was different, changed. I feel that I am. I know that I have. I'm trying not to hate myself-I've come so far. But I'm slipping away. I wish I could place you inside my mind, letting you see how I think, how I work. And I wish I could visit yours and rewire everything. I'd take all of the pain, all of the doubt, all of the sadness, and put it in me. Making myself feel the hurt I've made you feel. I'd give anything to take it away and replace it with the happiness I promised you. It's about time you get it. I've said a thousand times you don't deserve what I've done. But my words mean nothing. Even to me. I mean nothing to me. If I could have it any way.. and this kills me to say.. because I can't imagine the day when I didn't know you...-fuck-.. You're everything. You're beautiful. But what I'd do.. I would've never met you. Not because I'm hurting, but because you are. You'd never know me, which means you'd never know the pain that seems to be a part of me. You'd be always smiling. I'd give your innocence back to you. You're dad back to you. I'd give your mom everything and anything she needed. If I could, I'd disappear and make your world perfect. Because that's what you deserve. I know me doing this won't take your pain away, but maybe it will make some kind of difference. You can just not read them, or throw them away, or read them. I just know I'll never be able to let go of this knowing I held back. So I'm not going to. It's probably too late for you to ever forgive me and look past all the many things I've done. But just in case there is some hope, I'm going to put my pride aside and give you my everything. Don't feel obligated to take it or ever respond. I don't expect anything in return. 

Eleven more days and I'll be gone. 

I don't care anymore about being great. I just want to be okay. I stand before a mirror and what I see disgusts me. A stranger. A coward. I've lied, cheated, ran, hid.. Shit, I'm still hiding. And I really miss my dad. I miss my family and my brothers. I miss my mom and my sister. I miss the life I never had. But this life I do have.. I don't understand. How selfish of me.. to say I don't want it. pathetic. unappreciative. I swear I'd take your place any day. If only it gave you all the things I never had. You and I, we're so similar. You knew all along. I wish I had known too. I keep you inside of me, but I'd give anything to have you in front of me. It gives me comfort knowing I'm like you. That must mean there are others like us too. I found one I think you'd like.. love even. But she's lost like me too. I'm starting to think we can't save each other. I sit here smoking these cigarettes like maybe I'll breathe in some answers. But all I'm really doing is saying what caused her to be lost will cause other's to be lost too. Again, pathetic. Now don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing. Because just going through the motions isn't cutting it anymore. I feel like everyone has beauty they bring to others.. So tell me why, those who I hold the highest, I bring them lower than anyone should ever be. Three down, and I'm still breathing. How many more will it take. I don't expect anything from you.. maybe just some blunt truths and painful realizations. That's okay, say all you need to. Anything to bring you peace. Anything for you. I hold on to this hope, that maybe one day we'll meet again.. When we're older and new. That's as far as the hope goes. I just want to meet again. Forget the past, the hurt, the lies. Just fresh. You. Me. And just meet. Maybe in another life.. That's as far as I can hope.. I won't remember you, but something inside will tell me that I love you. I think I've loved you all along. If that's what happened this time why wouldn't it happen again. Somehow I know it's always been me and you. And always will be. I've met my match. Now i'll walk away knowing I'll be brought back to you. 

Only and always you.